Thomas The Stupid Turtle

I wouldn't call myself "an animal person," not because I hate animals but because I don't particularly care for them.

I'm fine with looking at them and even sharing the occasional petting of random strangers' pets on the street, but I don't think I like them in close proximity to me and I definitely don't like when my boss surprises me with a REAL LIVE TURTLE. IN MY FACE. WHILE I'M ON THE PHONE TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL.

Thomas the Turtle

When I told the guy to bring me back "a surprise," I was thinking more along the lines of bringing back a snack. Or a semi useful gift. I didn't think I had to specify because I didn't think a live animal was on the list of "Gifts Appropriate to Surprise Your Employee With."

I will be giving clearer instructions from now on.

But the weird part is that I'm not usually afraid of animals. I don't particularly want to be around them all the time, but I never thought looking at a turtle moving its creepy chubby legs would make me want to vomit. And I didn't either think that the sound of Thomas the Turtle making nose dives back into the water of his tiny aquarium would scare me to tears. (In my defense, I had briefly forgotten there was a live animal in the office with me.)

Miniature SeaWorld in the office

This might have something to do with my hamster I hid in the bathroom of my high school dorm for 4 months, which then died when I left him/her with someone for a weekend (we never knew if it was male or female. It's harder to tell on a hamster than you'd think). And then I cried like 4 tears mourning the only pet I'd ever had*.

*Everyone knows that carnival goldfish don't count as real pets. They don't do any tricks and have a lifespan of 2 days.

Maybe I distance myself from them so I don't get too attached and then heartbroken when they die or go missing for extended periods of time.

Or maybe I'm just more of a human person. I'd prefer spending quality time with beings that can actually TALK to me. I don't appreciate one-sided conversations with creatures that won't be able to give me advice on my life. Or tell me when they're hungry or when they want to go for a walk on their tiny turtle-leashes.

How am I expected to care for a turtle when I can barely remember to eat my own lunch?! I am not cut out for this!